When Overwhelm Strikes

Life can be tough sometimes. You bumble along from one place to another, from one task to another, trying to keep all the plates spinning so they don’t crash down around you. But what happens when they do? What happens when overwhelm strikes? This was me not too long ago! I got myself into a position where, quite simply, I …

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An Amazing Lockdown Journey

When lockdown began I never imagined our lives as we knew it would change so dramatically. Things that we took for granted like time spent with friends and family and going to gym rapidly became a distant memory. Work became something that many people missed and schools took on a completely different dimension to anything we’d ever seen before. For …

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I Forgive You!

Last week I came across a challenge on Facebook called Level Up Your Life in Lockdown. Normally I’d ignore this kind of thing and aimlessly scroll on by, but this time, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to join in. So I hit the button and joined the group and it was seriously the best thing I have ever done! I …

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Where it all began

For years I’ve been trying to work out what I want to do with my life, what my actual purpose is. Some people have their shit together right from the start, like literally from the day they’re born. Me, I thought I had it all worked out, then life decided to throw me a giant curve ball and all of that changed! All through secondary school I had dreamt of joining the Army, I had it all worked out, the perfect way of escaping the torture. I could run away and never come back, put the past behind me and look to the future. That all changed when I met a boy, well a man; I was 16 and he was 21. I spent every minute I could at his house just to be away from my parents. Then things got way too intense and I called it off. I wasn’t used to people being nice to me and it totally freaked me out. The sad thing is, at that point, he’d actually done nothing wrong. A month later, I found out I was pregnant and that was the dream well and truly over. Fast forward 20 odd years and here I am, sat at my kitchen table with a cake in the oven, writing this post and still trying to come up with a name for the blog.

You see life dealt me a pretty rubbish set of cards; my childhood was mostly spent feeling pretty shit to be fair, largely because I was repeatedly made to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough or clever enough, I wasn’t brave enough or strong enough. I simply wasn’t enough. I had a childhood of being emotionally abused (as my therapist puts it) by the people who should have loved me the most, the people I should have been able to trust more than anybody else in the whole world, the people who should have nurtured me and guided me into the person I am today – my parents! And when I wasn’t being subjected to abuse from my parents, I was being bullied by the kids at school for not looking right or acting the way they did. You see, growing up, I was one of the troubled kids. I played up at school because I so desperately wanted somebody to realise the hell I was going through and just how rubbish I felt, both about myself and life in general. All it actually did though was made me feel a million times worse! I’d get into trouble at home because I wasn’t pulling my weight at school and I’d get bullied more at school because people just didn’t get me.

I’ve grown up believing that I am fat and ugly, that I am worth nothing and do not deserve good things in life and I will never achieve anything. The simple fact is, I’m not good enough.

So here I am, in the midst of a global Coronavirus pandemic and a 3 day mental meltdown, and it suddenly occurs to me, I know exactly what my purpose in life is. I am here to help people like me, people who feel like they’ve been to hell and back (the story has only just begun!) a million times over and don’t know how to break the viscous cycle of depression and self loathing. I am here to share my story and invite you to follow my journey, with all its twists and turns, from depression and self loathing to happiness and self love.

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