Last week I came across a challenge on Facebook called Level Up Your Life in Lockdown. Normally I’d ignore this kind of thing and aimlessly scroll on by, but this time, I felt an overwhelming compulsion to join in. So I hit the button and joined the group and it was seriously the best thing I have ever done! I learnt so much and have already used some of the taught methods to change my life completely.
One of the most empowering, emotional and thought provoking lessons was reframing negative thoughts and situations. It is a lesson that I immediately implemented and continue to use on a daily basis.
It is the very lesson that led me to write this letter to mum, a lesson that has massively helped me to move on from the hurt and torment that has clouded my life for many years. I may only really be starting my journey but what a way to start it!
I will never be able to thank the creators and trainers involved enough for the amazing and life changing experience they have allowed me to take part it. I will be eternally grateful.
A letter to my Mum
I have spent years believing I am not good enough, like I will never amount to anything and should be more like my sister; years living with negative thoughts about my body because you repeatedly told me that I was fat and ugly. I’ve spent years seeking validation and reassurance because, no matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t get it. For years I have been terrified of rejection because you repeatedly rejected me and every single attempt I made to be loved and the daughter you wanted me to be. You even told me that you resented me and blamed me for my father leaving you! I’ve spent a lifetime comparing myself to others and being jealous of all the people who had parents that actually loved them, being insecure in myself and relationships. For years I have been a victim of your emotional abuse.
THIS STOPS NOW, I AM NOT A VICTIM!!!
I now realise that it’s not actually my fault and never has been. All of this is a reflection of your own feelings about yourself, the impact my father leaving had on you. You repeatedly rejected me because my father rejected you, which you wrongly blamed me for. My father left you to save his marriage and move away with his wife. You know what, as I write this, I actually feel sad for you. I feel sad that he made you feel so shit about yourself that you inflicted those feelings into me and that your parents putting you up for adoption added to the feelings of rejection. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel good enough or pretty enough to keep him, or that you felt the need to compare yourself to his wife. I now realise that you felt so shit about yourself that you didn’t even realise what you were doing to me and when you did eventually realise, the damage had already been done and it far too late to repair it. I hope you have now found peace in your life and your mind is free from negativity.
I FORGIVE YOU